Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I have been really sick and working like crazy. I have been working 50+ hours a week all overnight shifts and have been getting slim to no sleep. My depression is getting all consuming again and it is all I can do to make myself get up and go to work or do what I need to do. I wish there would come a time that I didnt have to work so much. I wish my husband would get off his ass and get a real job that pays regularly. Not this once a month shit where he isnt guaranteed the amount of pay he will receive. It is based on what work he performs because he is an apartment caretaker. But no matter how shitty I feel I have to force myself to work such ridiculous hours because otherwise if not for my income we would not have a vehicle to drive or food on the table. I hate being the breadwinner. I want to be able to be home more with my kids. When I work nights I am home during the day but I am so tired that I am only semi-functional. ok enough venting and rambling. Just wanted you to know that i am still around.
My current stats:
cw: 225 DISGUSTING I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!
stgw; 180 by Sept
ltgw: 130 by Jan????? Current Mood: crappy
ok so my husband is being really mean. he is saying stuff like u really need to lose weight or you'd be really pretty if u just were skinnier. he is always looking at half naked women on the internet and comparing me very unfavorably to them. i am crying at the moment. i just dont know what to do..been very depressed lately not to mention stressed. i work 50+ hours a week..over night shifts where he works about 10 hours a week..i take care of the kids and our apt during the day where he does nothing..i sacrafice getting ample rest to function where he bitches and moans if he goes to bed at 10 and gets up before 9. i feel like i am in stress overload and no one will help me or understands. am i just being a pity pot or what? sorry for whining. i just feel so low now..i cut again i just cant escape the pain i feel. idk....whats the point of it all...existence i mean..i love my daughters but i just feel worthless to them...i dont even have enough energy to take them outside to play when they want to i am always exhausted. i just cant take much more..i feel like i am at the verge of *another* nervous break down. thanks for reading my ramblings Current Mood: pessimistic
I forgot to post them on my last post but here are my current disgusting stats
CW 226 ( ughhhh up 4 from last thurs)
NO FOOD TODAY!!!! WILL COOK FOR HUSBAND AND DAUGHTERS BUT NOT A MORSEL SHALL PASS MY LIPS!!!!
SO DAMN DEPRESSED!!!!!!!
I am feeling so depressed again. I have been under so much stress and to top it all off I have gained 4 fucking pounds> UGHHHHH!!!! Why cant i be beautiful? Why cant I be happy? What did I do to deserve this? Mostly why cant I be thin????? Current Mood: distressed
Another day down...another disappointment...
I am 21 and a fat cow. Highest weight 255 back in April 2007. Current weight is 232 and im still a fat cow. I have been restricting and purging since April 11th 2007. I have a serious problem with food its a complete ALL or nothing relationship. I am trying to take control and as you can see today is one of my worse days...My goal weight is around 140 - I gained over 70 lbs after i had my son and right now im completely disgusted with myself I just want to be thin. I just want to be beatiful. I just want to be happy...
Does dexetrim work well for you? if so what exactly does it do for you? Current Mood: depressed
I realize no one has joined yet but I thought I would post so when people join they can see what I am doing as the mod. Well I havent lost any weight in a week which is infuriating. Tomorrow I am starting a liquid fast...on these fasts I have the following: Current Mood: depressed
2-3 sugar free red bull energy drinks which are 10 cals each
alot of water..about 3-4 bottles of it
dexatrim max 2 o in 2-3 of those bottles of water
4 dexatrim pills a day
2-3 cups of coffee
I am not setting a specific length of time because i did this once back last nov for over 2 months and lost 50 + pounds so i am gonna do it again..i was super depressed back then and I have been feeling that way again....depressed and stressed and i never feel like eating when i feel like that. My husband is always yelling at me for not eating so i have been taking dishes out and putting them in the sink as if i had eaten. When i feed the kids i will just nibble on something light or if they ask why i am not eating tell them i dont feel well....i have alot of stomach probs so it isnt unusual to them to hear it. I just hope to stay out of the hospital like i was back in nov..psych wards suck!!!
I just want to take this opportunity to welcome all of you to this new community. This will be a community of people who are practicing the anorexic/bulimic lifestyles (i.e. binging/purging, restricting, laxatives, diet pills, etc) but are by weight above normal weight. This is neither a pro or anti ed community. This is for people who already have the starting of an ed or are in an ed but their weight doesnt show it yet, and want support. this will be a support community for us. I will give you my stats just so you know that I belong here as the moderator.
height: 5' 7"
hw: 285 ( last november 2006)
lw: 130 ( about 8 years ago before i got married and had kids0
Thanks again for joining and welcome!!! Current Mood: creative